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Toddlers and More

In the market, below

A great number of children become adoptable when they are “older,” meaning they are over 18 months of age. While some parents know from the beginning that they want to adopt a toddler or older child, most probably go into adoption thinking that they want a baby.

Why do so many parents adopt older children? One reason is that, because there are so many older kids available for adoption, the wait can be much shorter than that for an infant. Another is that older children may display symptoms of serious disabilities or illness that would go undetected earlier, so that families have a better idea of what special needs the child might (or might not) have. And the older the child, the more you’ll know about the child’s interests and personality.

Are there risks in adopting an older child? Yes. And you can avoid all of those risks completely by not adopting at all. And by not having biological children, either. In fact, the only way to avoid all risk is by not getting out of bed... ever. For every horror story about an adopted child who needed multiple surgeries or had attachment problems, one can point to a biological child who has the same issues.

Adoption Learning Partners offers an online course on adopting older children.

10th century Georgian metalwork, below

One GCOF family shares their experience: 

We adopted our two angels at the same time. Our daughter was 18 months at the time, and our son was 9 months. We had gone with the Georgian program expressly because at that time there were infants available in a birthmother program. So while we were open to a child up to 18 months, we really had in mind a baby. We were concerned about attachment & bonding, language, past abusive experiences, institutionalization, and everything else imaginable.

We've been blessed because we've had NONE of the huge problems that we envisioned. Our son had some serious respiratory and gastro-reflux problems, but that's under control now. Our daughter was in speech therapy for a year, and she's bloomed into an excellent, excellent, excellent talker. Can't believe we paid money to teach that girl to talk.

Another GCOF family was concerned about language acquisition in their older child:

My belief is that the language issue is not at all the problem I thought it would be. Our agency told me that, and I thought they were just glossing over the issue because they really wanted me to adopt an older child. I am stunned at how fast kids learn, and how adaptable they are. In fact, I'm fairly adaptable, too, and I'm old and cranky! We are an amazing species.

I think a bigger issue is attachment & bonding, which you can prepare for with the book by Deborah Gray. But keep in mind that they discuss SERIOUS attachment/bonding issues, and you won't have all, or even any, of them. If you freak out while reading, I suggest a Russell Stover gift box of dark chocolate cream-filled anti-freak truffles, in the one pound size. They carry them at Walgreen's and CVS, which are usually open 24 hours. Worked for me.

From Rene’ Thomas Folse, J.D., Ph.D.:

My recommendation to all is that the child is evaluated within a few weeks coming home. I would insist on an evaluation that can best test them under the circumstance and make them follow through with services regardless of the child's history. What I see as the main problem is people waiting to see how their child progresses with the hopes that their issues will naturally remediate themselves due to finally being in the right environment. The flip side is the school system claiming the same fact which in the short run makes parents feel better as 'if the school thinks the child just needs time then they must be right because that is what I want to hear.' What I tell people is to get the services and they can always test out officially later. My reason is that a child coming from an institution can benefit from all services regardless of the fact that some might well be fine or fix their issues on their own. So it is actually best to use the language issue to your benefit and if they can not easily get a translator then I would allow the testing and then state that since they can not pass the testing you can give them services until they can pass your testing as you are able to give it.

Below: Two rivers converge at Mskheta

“At some point in the process, we have to lay aside our fears and move forward. Unlike gestating biological parents who usually don’t seriously consider every single thing that could go wrong with their child, adopting parents face it all up front.”

--Mother of two, both adopted as toddlers

 
 
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